Can’t a bird get a minute’s peace around here? Here I am, minding my own business and trying to catch a bit of kip on the long car journey through Austria into Germany. Just when I am about to drop off, Her Ladyship suddenly squeals with delight. ‘Ooooh! Look at that man! Mmmmm. Gorgeous!!’ Curiously enough, this doesn’t seem to bother His Lordship in the slightest. He just smiles at her indulgently and nods in agreement.

Ah, that’s what all the fuss is about. I’d forgotten what a truck fanatic she is. Oh god. Now she’s squealing at every DAF, Scania, Volvo and Mercedes truck we see, not just the MANs (or should that be MEN?) I’ll never get any sleep at this rate!

Cool! Now, that’s a sight to squeal about. It is quite something , even in Austria, to see so much snow on the mountains at the end of April. It has been particularly cold recently, but I hadn’t realised that it had snowed so much again. Brrrr! I hope it isn’t still this cold when we get to France!

Now Her Ladyship is waxing lyrical about car transporters, trucks with on-board forklifts, hydraulic steel plate transporting trailers, low loaders… She sure is easily amused, but I wish she’d put a sock in it for a while!

His Lordship and I finally get a break from her twitterings when we stop off for a picnic on the shore of beautiful Chiemsee in Bavaria. Her Ladyship has to shut up about HGVs as long as she is busy stuffing her face with sandwiches. I take the opportunity to have a pleasant chat with this duck and these swans. And there is no mention of trucks or any other types of vehicles, I can assure you!

Back on the road and … you’ve guessed … off she goes again. This time it is even worse because of the huge motorway building projects in Germany, which means miles and miles of all types of heavy plant: excavators, road scrapers, backhoe loaders, dumpers, roller-compactors, pavers… Her Ladyship is like a little kid who has come across a giant sand pit full of shiny new toys. She is hopping around in her seat and exclaiming over every JCB, Liebherr, Komatsu or CAT we pass.

I think it has even got a bit much for His Lordship at this stage because he has finally asked Herself to put on some music. ‘Peace at last’, I think to myself. ‘Now I can finally sit back, relax and nod off to the soothing strains of … Linkin Park, Deep Purple, Metallica, Avenged Sevenfold! Aaaaargh!’

The Oldies owe me big time for putting me through this relentless cacophony. I am going to insist that they make it up to me by bringing me to the Atlantic beaches once we get to France. If they don’t…. Well, as Avenged Sevenfold put it in one of their songs (repeatedly and very loudly): ‘This Means War!’